Jackson is a poor kid in the town who is in grade 12 in the town. He has got 1 brother. His father is dead since the war 2 years ago. Last Sunday he went to the farm to help his mother for the harvest. About 3 o'clock in the afternoon, his mother came home first because she was very tired, so he stayed there alone till 5:30. When he walked back home, it was a bit dark because the cloud seem like it'll raining. About 2 minutes later the rain was coming very heavy so he ran very fast to find the dry place. When he was running toward his house, he saw one old house, so he ran to that house and wait for stop raining. He sat on one old chair in front of the house. The rain is heavier. He though that maybe it's rain till next morning, so he decided to sleep in this house tonight. He opened the door, the house is full of web.
Pimean
Pimean,
ReplyDeleteYou are really using your imagination here, I like that! You were able to express tension in the story as we wonder what will happen and what is in the house. I liked imagining him alone in an old house, waiting for the rain to stop.
Suggestion: Try combining some of your short, simple sentences into a complex sentences. For example: Because his mother was tired, she left in the afternoon while Jackson stayed on to finish the harvest. Complex sentences add variety and keep the story flowing smoothly instead of stopping every few words. How could you combine the first four sentences? What information is important to include?
Also remember to add the s to 3rd person singular verbs. For example: He stays, he sees, he walks...
I was confused at the end - did he go into two different houses? He was in a house waiting for the rain to stop, and then... he went into another house?
I liked imagining who this mysterious old woman was...
Hi,My name is MEY MEY . I study at YL10 . I like your post very much because i think that it is very interesting . And Can you tell me who is the old women ??? Is she a ghost or a monster?????? I really want to know about that women very very much , you know? Maybe this night i can't sleep because i think about your post ^-^
ReplyDeleteTeacher: ok I'll.
ReplyDeleteMei Mei: do u really want to know who is the old woman?? :)
Ok, I'll... ?
ReplyDelete