Touching the ground, one by one
Filling the road with snow in December after the meridian by 1
Whoosh! Down the sledges from the snowy hills
Snowy day it was, like freezing you could feel
Splat! Hit the faces with snowballs
What a fun morning it was for all
All the Haha-ing came from the freezing field
Everyone could play anything at will
Some were snowman-building
With some lick-lick-ing for icicle-licking,
Mountain hike, fishing pike, ride bike
The activities that were very much like
Snow sculptures, with some of the art lovers
Ice skating, Whoove! also bonfire building, snowshoeing
Which what campers were doing
Counting the day to the 25th, telling myths,
Building igloos, making stews,
Digging the paths, Splash! taking hot baths
What a fun-raising season it was, that you could might also laugh
Tok Tok Tok, touching the ground one by one
Came the drops of the snow melt
With light-green leaves on the trees
With the fresh scent of the blossom flowers
Hard for sure, for everyone to forget
Of all the fun times that they felt into
Very ambitious writing, Ati! I'm so glad to see you taking a risk to try a different type of writing. I think it's your strongest piece so far!
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job showing us how winter feels instead of just telling us. You used great examples and the onomatopoeia really makes the poem work. It gives it energy and allows me to see and hear it, not just read about it.
Some of the language was not completely clear, and if you were to choose to work on this more, I would suggest rewriting:
after the meridian by 1
sledges
lick-lick-ing for icicle-licking (why do you
need the second licking? How about the
lick-lick-ing of icicles
"The activities that were very much like" - I
think you mean "liked," but I think this line
is not necessary.
"felt into"
Also at the beginning, I didn't understand what was touching the ground at first. Maybe " snowflakes fill the road..."
I really like how you end with the change of seasons. It was very clear "tok, tok, tok!" I could imagine that sound of melting snow dripping.
"Whoove" was an interesting new word! I like it.
Great job!
Amazing tittle , amazing poem and amazing amount of onomatopoeia are found. This is one of the poems that I think we all should learn from. Your writing blew me away. Thanks alot,Ati. I am wondering where you get this style of writing and this wonderful ideas from.( coz I also want to be as great as you:) I would never ever be tired of reading this poem. Thanks again, Ati.
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Be my guests guys!
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