On a rainy night 4 brave men with wired weapon in there hands walk in the mansion . The front gate sqeaked as he being pulled in to the mansion. Bats sqeaking from the mansion door. Old dead trees howling the yard is full of black flowers. As the men being walked in rain drop splashes in the mansion fountain. These men smashes the door and rush in. They start calling out someone’s name ‘bloody mary come out where are you’’. As man 1 screams a woman in white jump on him hit the creaking chair. Then man 3 uses his sabooth stick trying to poke the woman but he miss. The woman hiss at him and fly up and down avoiding the stick until she knock the stick out of the man3’s hand. Man 4 rush to grab man 1 and 3 but he step on a slippery floor and hit a bonging table man 2 rushes to help and he did it the woman hissed and she disappear. The man laugh as they walked out of the house and into the spattering rain.
Tep
Wow, lots of onomatopoeia! Good job playing with those sound words. It really helped me to imagine this place better, and added a lot of excitement to the action!
ReplyDeleteI think I've given you the same advice before, but I'll say it again - slow down and use full stops. Check your grammar. Also, you switch tenses. I think the past tense works best here.Your grammar will need to improve to do well in higher GEP levels! I know you can do it if you take the time.
It was hard to picture what the men looked like or who they were. And why were they interested in this house?
I thought it was really interesting that the men laughed at the end. I guess they weren't afraid?!
Thanks for sharing an exciting adventure.