Note:It is better to enjoy this song-like poem with relaxing Jazz music.I. I'm walking..... ,with no one but me
And the sun....., is no more shiny
But I'm still......, feeling happy
Because there's nothing strong enough to make me worry.
II.The sky thundered ..., and now it's cloudy
The wind moans........, and now it's chilly
And I know......, just what the weather will be
It is certainly gonna be a heavy rain!
III.There 're no taxis....., nor the train
Only umbrella..., with this sudden rain
If I ain't got it.., I would rush like a mouse
Cause you know it's a long way down from here to my house.
IV. I'm looking..., to the other side
WOW, there's a lady....., with her clothes, so nice
And zoom a car.., with its speed, so high
That it splashed water to her like a tsunami tide!!
V.Upon the sky.........., there 're some "BOMBS"and "POWS"
And the lightening......., strikes wider now
Oh,I squelched through mud..,in my path
Hey wait a minute, I am in front of my yard!!!!
P.S Criticism is openly welcome.
P.2
Hi Pitou,
ReplyDeleteI especially like:
Because there's nothing strong enough to make me worry.
The sky thundered ..., and now it's cloudy
The wind moans........, and now it's chilly
p.s. thunders?
I like how you create a mood in this poem - I can feel the speaker's cheerfulness even in the rain. Some people would complain, but he's just observing it all and enjoying life.
I'm glad you said it was meant to be like a song - that really helped when I read it, to imagine it being sung. It contributed to the mood.
Whenever you have a rhyming poem, it can be tricky to have natural sounding rhymes. The sky not being shiny didn't quite work for me, as we don't usually describe a sky as shiny, and mouse/house was ok but for some reason didn't seem quite right - maybe it just reminded me too much of Dr. Seuss! :)
Suggestions: replace "being" and "nice" with more specific words.
Squelched is a great word, though I don't think it's normally used with "in" - maybe "through."
I didn't understand "with hard stones apart."
I completely enjoyed reading your poem! It's great to see you trying a different style of writing. Thank you so much for sharing it with us! It reminded me of that old song - "Singing in the Rain."
The photo's a nice complement to the poem.
Good work.