While outside thunder is roaring and clattering non stop, rain is pattering on the roof an old wooden house, a group of men in their early 30s knocked down the door entered the house. As the door opened it made a eerie creak much like those you would hear in a horror movie, Lloyd, James, Peter and Kevin rushed in hoping to not get any more wet then they already were. As the roaring clattering and pattering showed that it was not going to stop soon, the group decides to take shelter in the old abandoned home and rest for the night. They need all the strength they can get if they are going to make another run for the border. For they had done terrible things, terrible things indeed, and was not expecting what was going to happen to them. As they tried to ignore conscience, they went upstairs to the bedrooms of the house and tried to go to sleep.
Moments later, a loud and ominous screech was heard from the outside followed by screams of pain and torture. The group of men rushed down the stairs and looked out through the dust covered windows. A figure of a tall man was seen outside the house. Then a flash of lighting went off and the man outside was gone. After the sight of this, the group packed their things and tried to head out. But when they tried to open the front door the door knob fell of and they found themselves being trapped inside the house. They tried to break the old house's old wooden door but it was no use. No matter how hard they tried, it was apparent that it was never opening nor breaking. They tried to break the window but every time any damage seems to be inflicted, the window would fix itself as if it was magic. Then a thump at the nearby staircase caught everyone's attention. A round parcel had been dropped from the stairs, attached to it was a short letter. As Lloyd opened the letter he saw that it the words were written in blood. It said ''You'll Never Get Out Of Here''.
To Be Continued ..............................
Siphan
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ReplyDeleteThanks Ms Katheen and I have edited the mistakes except for the tittle cause I wanted a tittle meaning an empty home which is why I wrote hollowed and not hallowed
ReplyDeleteSiphan
Fabulous, thanks! Hollowed - ah, ok!
ReplyDeleteGood job creating a tense scene. The onomatopoeia you used worked well.
ReplyDeleteI liked the second paragraph the most - maybe because it was more specific and the action was clear. In the first paragraph, you have a couple run-on sentences. Also, you switch tenses from present to past.
"A thump..." could start a new paragraph - it would catch attention more that way.
Good job creating a detailed, suspenseful action scene. I don't want to imagine what happens next...!
Honestly, I feel like I am reading a novel written by a professional writer. A bit grammatical mistakes are still there, I think. Why don't you try to make it a bit more frightening? Like, a figure was crawling on the ceiling and making this sort of noise like he was unable to breathe well or they saw hands from the ground grabbing their legs .
ReplyDeleteP.2