Has has ha!... The dining room is full of laughter. Cling! Cling! The spoons keep on hitting the plates but suddenly. Whoosh! Bang! Something really fast pass by and the door swing back hardly. Roar!... A girl with white skin showing her sharp teeth then everyone falls in a deep silence. But just then..., " Ahhhhhhhhhh" everyone shrieking! "Welcome to the party, Vanessa!"; everyone laughs again and it was a beautiful HALLOWEEN night.
Now the horror begin. After the dinner, children go out side, they howl loudly, and go to HUNT for blood red candy.
Mickey
has has ha! ( sounds like an evil's sound ) ><''
ReplyDeleteanyway, nice one deer... nah sorry i mean dear ^^
Monineath
I feel scared when I saw the word ha ha has!
ReplyDeleteSreylen
Mickey - this is a very fast-paced and scary scene. The onomatopoeia helps make the writing lively - "cling" and "whoosh"sounded the most realistic. "Has has.." didn't work for me because I pronounced it "has" as in "He HAS a car." You know?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you continued it, and wrote the part about the children going out to hunt for blood red candy. Now that was creepy!
I would suggest though that you spend a little more time on your writing and not try to finish it so quickly. Think of what could happen if you wrote more... Your writing has personality and people will want to read it if you take the time to really express yourself.
thanks!
I am very sorry to say this but it doesn't feel natural. It feels like you were trying to stuff onomatopoeia in it. It is a bit old-fashioned story, but attractive.
ReplyDeleteP.2
I thought it was going to be a scary story
ReplyDelete-rotha
Sorry rotha, it's just that I was not in the right mood for scary topic ^^
ReplyDeleteMickey